As I was driving to Maryland for the holidays yesterday, I had my first full-blown out-of-the-blue panic attack in three years. I was on the middle of the Potomac River Bridge, being forced to drive 5 mph over the maximum speed limit by a giant red truck on my bumper, when I started feeling dizzy and hyperventilating. This is a very long bridge, which the photos in the above link don't do justice to. I was just trying to force myself to breathe slowly in and out and focus on nothing but the lane in front of me until I was off the bridge. I then let the jerk pass me as I drove slowly to the Maryland Welcome Center, where I stopped for half an hour while I calmed down.

I still get panic attacks on a regular basis when confronted with needles, i.e., getting a shot or blood taken. But I have come to expect those situations and prepare for them. This one took me by complete and unwelcome surprise.

As I was sitting at the rest stop trying to recover, I thought of several things that could have triggered this attack. I've never liked bridges but I have never panicked about one before, either, so this was probably more due to my stress level than an actual fear of bridges (unlike my fear of needles.) It's almost certainly related to the feeling that I was being forced to do something I didn't want to do, namely speeding. But more than that, I think it was related to two things: 1) my base stress level has gone up about ten-fold since starting the new job and 2) I had cheated half an hour before on my gluten-free diet.

Since I started the diet 6 weeks ago, I've cheated three times. One was by accident on Thanksgiving, and twice have been on purpose. Yesterday, I hadn't thought to prepare food that was gluten-free for my drive to Maryland - I hadn't really thought ahead. Usually I stop for lunch when I turn onto 301-N from 95-N, since there's a good place to fill up on gas, go to the restroom, and pick up a Subway sandwich which I can eat on the road. Well duh - Subway won't work for me anymore. I ended up opting for a McDonald's Big Mac instead slightly down the road, arguing to myself that at least there wouldn't be as much bread as with a subway sandwich.

Half an hour later I have a panic attack. I don't think this is a coincidence.

I've noticed so many benefits to eating gluten-free that I can't help but think that this is the right thing for me to be doing. I have more energy, I've lost a little weight, I never have IBS at all anymore unless I've cheated (and I'm paying for that burger right now.) But I wonder if it will also affect other parts of my life. Perhaps panic attacks were related to a wheat intolerance. Perhaps my JRA was all a reaction to gluten. Maybe the long term benefits will be outrageously good. I've heard similar things from other folks who have gone gluten-free. People with horrible acne suddenly don't have any. People with terrible migraines suffer them no longer. Things like that. I have to say that even with what I've noticed so far, this is the right course for me. And to think my doctor thought it was a dumb idea.

In any case, after calming down at the rest stop, I decided that the rest of my holiday was going to be spent in a stress-free, low-key manner. I immediately got in the right hand lane and stayed there for pretty much the rest of the drive to Annapolis. I decided the small stuff should not be sweat. I have made myself stop thinking about work. I did some breathing exercises this morning.

May you all have a relaxing, stress-free Christmas.

So I broke my face this week. Well, specifically, I fractured my nose. I slipped in the bathroom and did a total faceplant, which is much more amusing when it's not happening to you. I definitely saw stars, and it bled like crazy. Fortunately, it's a small fracture and doesn't require a re-break to fix - it's just going to be tender for the next... however long. It actually looks okay if I put a ton of base makeup on it. Without any makeup, it looks very red and scabby. I'll look great for the new job on Monday! I was concerned one of my fingers might be broken, too, as I partially landed on my fist and the ring finger is very swollen and sore. The x-ray turned out clear, though, so it's only badly bruised.

On the upside, I got to see Beethoven's 9th Symphony this week in a performance by the NC Symphony at Duke Chapel. It was really awesome. My date and I had very nice seats near the front, and particularly the quartet in the final movement was really great to hear that close. I didn't notice the acoustics problems that were mentioned in the N&O review. I guess the good seats helped.

Well, that wasn't the happiest way to spend five days, but I am much better today, and back at work. Much better is relative - I still feel like putting my head down on the desk and am having trouble keeping my eyes open at times, but it's so much less boring to be at work that I'd rather be here in any case.

Apparently I'm not the only one who has been feeling cruddy. A lot of my friends seem to have had the flu this year. A couple of more folks from the office went down with it today, too.


Thanks for all the commentary support. It's appreciated. :)

After waking up for the fourth day to a fever, I decided it was time to go to urgent care. I found out that I can expect to feel like crap for about two weeks total, and that I'll be contagious for another day.

I hate being sick and tend to push myself past my limits, but there were couple of times yesterday when I just couldn't hold my eyes open - one of them was even before noon. So I'm going to take one more day off tomorrow and just crash.

I wish I even had the brain power and energy to play video games or something. This is just boring.

So my temperature is still hovering around 99 (with meds), I've gone through two boxes of kleenex and my nose rivals Rudolph's. I have too much to do at work to keep sitting around like this, but it's not like you can will this stuff away.

Grandpa seems to have passed out of the main danger zone, and should be moving out of the ICU today. Then he'll have surgery on his arm and will (most likely) be moved to a nursing home facility for recuperation / rehab. I've been to nursing homes before when my Granny (may she rest in peace) broke her hip, and they are really non-fun places. I hope he doesn't have to stay too long. In any case, once I'm well I'm planning to visit him often - visits can help keep one's spirits up in such places.

I really hope that they're planning to seriously consider assisted living after all this. Both he and Grandma had the stomach flu for about a week before his fall, and hadn't let on to anyone. I can certainly understand the value of independence, and I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to give it up. But there comes a time when it's dangerous to be too isolated.

So I was going to go over to Greensboro today to visit with Grandpa and help my Aunt Linda out - Grandma's stomach flu is worse. Only today, I've come up with the bug that's going around. I think I have a fever, as I'm getting chills, but my thermometer ran out of batteries and I can't find my mercury one. My head feels like a mushroom and my throat like sand paper. In any case, there's no way I'd be admitted into an ICU like this.

Roof update: Apparently, whoever did the current roof put the shingles on wrong somehow - or so says the roofer's voice mail. I can do a quick fix for the current issue relatively cheaply, but the problem is bad and needs to be redone. I'm going to get a quote from my roofer soon on that. Can't handle it today.

Sigh.

Update: I appear to have a fever of 102 F. I guess I dont have to worry about going to urgent care until, say, 104, but this is completely miserable. :(

Ok, so this first week of the exercise / diet program didn't go exactly spectacularly. I did lose three pounds, but managed to gain 1.4% body fat. I think this may be in part due to a questionably-accurate body fat measuring machine, but I suspect it's fairly true.

I stuck with the diet pretty well except for Friday night, but I didn't keep up with the exercise - I only worked out twice. This is because I started the diet the same week that I was in that crampy time. The water gain may have something to do with the reading, as well. One of the ways I knew that was coming was that I worked out and my heart rate was way higher than normal, and I could only do the minimum level of effort in order to stay in my aerobic range.

By the way - the best purchase I ever made as far as working out goes was to buy a heart rate monitor such as this one. I have veins that are difficult for the phlebotomist to find, and I always had trouble reading my pulse while working out. This way I can be in the middle of the workout and just cast a glance at it to determine if I'm in my target range. I can adjust my tempo accordingly. The main thing that I learned from having this monitor is that initially I was working out WAY too hard, and I was well past my aerobic range, which meant I wasn't burning any fat. And while it's good to be anaerobic and build muscle on occasion, I needed to be aerobic a lot more of the time.

Currently, what I'm doing for aerobics is (the extremely cheesy but quite effective) Jane Fonda Lean Routine video, which is interval aerobics. That requires you to get anaerobic for specific periods of time in order to maximize both aerobic and anaerobic activity and allow recuperation of the system during the low-intensity periods. I'm no expert, but here's an article I found which explains things a bit better.

One of the good things about this week is that, although I am quite clearly majorly out of shape, I can already tell a difference with this morning's workout. I am better able to stay in my target range without trying to make my movements smaller. Eventually, over time, I'll get to the point where I can start doing things like my Tae Bo video and remain mostly aerobic. Which is when the real changes will start to take place.

So, I have a wedding to go to next month, and another one I just found out about around New Year's. The latter is a good friend of mine who is (soon to be was) my main single girl friend. We'd go to bars and drink cosmos and talk about men. But she's getting hitched.

She says things won't change between us, but it has been my experience that when my single friends (of either sex) get married, they become a lot less available and interactive. This is more of my marriage rant from before, so I won't rehash it. The upshot is that in my experience, marriage == loss. (Sorry for the geeky ==, I am a computer nerd after all.) But I'm trying to look at this positively. I think it's a good decision for my friend, and she has a guy who treats her well, which she absolutely deserves.

About the wedding. My friend grew up in a country club family, although she was the weird one in the bunch, according to her. And she's very much a fashionista, having a distinctive, Sex-In-The-City-esque flair. Her wedding will be a formal affair.

So, I am sublimating my marriage == loss viewpoint into another sort of loss: weight loss. I am going to lose 25 pounds by 12/29/2006. I am desperately heavy right now, and I want to look good in a nice evening gown for my friend's wedding.

I have lost a large amount of weight before and kept it off for some time by doing the right, sensible thing: counting calories and exercising. No fad diets or low-carb silliness for me. I'll be following the guidelines set forth by Covert Bailey in "The Ultimate Fit or Fat". I plan to eat 1200-1300 calories per day, 30 grams of fat or less, and work out between 3 and 5 times a week for an hour of aerobic activity, plus a little weight training.

I'll be using this blog to keep up with my progress. I'll put in the title +0 lb. through +25 lb. to count the number of pounds successfully lost, and +0.0 % b.f. through whatever I reach for the percent body fat successfully lost. In my own private record, I'll be taking my weight, measurements, and body fat percentage each Saturday.

Here's to positive loss!